


I'm Sorry

by demitruli



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, Japril, Japril + 1, Japril baby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 05:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8520613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demitruli/pseuds/demitruli
Summary: Beginning right after April's fetal MRI exam in 12x21, this story reveals Jackson's thoughts as the season unfolds, containing some extra Japril scenes we never got to see in the series. Canon, JPOV





	1. I'm Sorry

"Jackson."

He quickly stood from his seat to meet the restrained gaze of the peds surgeon.

"It's done. They're both fine. She's at recovery right now, bed three. She hasn't woken up yet, but she should any moment now."

A few seconds of silence passed before he felt his impatience growing distinctively. "So?" He urgently asked. "What did the MRI show?"

"I'm still waiting for the results. I'll come find you the second I know more."

A frustrated sigh escaped him as he pinched his nose. More waiting. As if the passed twenty-five minutes in the waiting room wasn't long enough to drive him insane. "Bed three?"

"Bed three." Arizona confirmed as he rushed towards the closest elevator.

When he was on the right floor he immediately began scanning the room for the curtain with the sign of the said number. Finding it, he almost bumped onto a nurse on his attempt to be there as soon as possible. Once finally there, he reached to pull the curtain, revealing a blue-covered patient bed on which was laying the still unconscious mother of his baby. The redhead was dressed in the white attire they used for patients, her fast-growing belly protruding from the mattress.

Taking a deep breath he stepped closer to the bed, closing the curtain behind him. He went on to grab a chair from the corner of the room, dragging it next to the bed and then sitting on it. His eyes roamed over her sleeping form, resting on her swollen abdomen a little too long, before finally landing on her face. Her porcelain features emerged only calmness, filling him with a much needed feeling of peace. However he knew better than to presume she was in the least peaceful. The dark circles underlining her still closed eyes were proof of the huge amount of pressure that had been lying on her shoulders the past months, the quivering health of their baby being the most recent ordeal fate threw their way. He knew she was strong, but her tiny form suddenly seemed so fragile to him.

Without processing it, his hand was suddenly over hers, caressing it in the softest of whispers, as if the slightest of force would break her. The feeling of his skin making touch with hers had chills running down his spine, warmth crawling to the very depths of his existence, shaking him to the core. He knew he wasn't supposed to be touching her. He had done and said things that meant he didn't get to touch her whenever he wanted to. And he had been screwing things up ever since. He had messed up, big time. He knew. But ever since that day at the parking lot when she had let him feel their baby, the irrational urge to feel her touch again had been unexpectedly powerful. But seeing her there now, unconscious and fragile and alone, every control he had over the urge seemed to vanish to dust.

He leaned closer, his entire body bending over hers as if an unknown force was pulling him towards her. "April?" he called her name, his voice melting honey from the unexpected closeness. "April, sweetheart?" the pet name escaped his lips without warning, and his hand –as if acting on its own- moved from her arm to her shoulder, only to finally land on her red hair, stroking it softly. Knowing she couldn't feel or hear anything he did or said seemed to bring out a long-buried side of him he had forgotten even existed, exposing the strongest of feelings he didn't even know he still had. And that revelation took him aback.

That was when he felt her stirring beneath him, and he quickly withdrew his hand from her hair, using it to hold the iron handle of the bed instead. He couldn't help but watch in agony as her pale eyelids flattered revealing her green eyes, just like grass that pushes its way through the piles of gritty snow to remind you that spring is coming. Her eyes, which he had unwillingly missed in a degree that scared him, looked somewhat giddy at first, struggling to focus as she began to take in her surroundings. He wanted to touch her again, let her know he was there, but he knew that was out of the question now she was awake. Hell, he wasn't even sure if he was even welcome anymore, and if she didn't want him there he was basically obligated to leave. And he didn't want to leave. He couldn't leave them. So he knew he had to keep his distance and give her space. Space and time.

"Hey." He gently said at last, catching her attention. Her head turned to the side and her eyes finally focused on his face, a smile forming on her dry lips. He took that as a good sign.

"Hey" she said back, her voice sounding somewhat rough.

"How are you feeling?" He asked with genial concern, his smile mirroring hers.

"I've been better." She answered, and he couldn't help but lightly chuckle. He knew. He had been there.

"Seriously, though." He made another attempt. "How do you feel?"

"A bit woozy, I guess. But I just woke up from general anesthesia, so that should explain it."

He grinned. "Would you like some water?"

"Yes please."

He reached for the jug placed on the bedside table and grabbed a plastic cup from the stack next to it.

"I take it everything went well?" she asked as he was filling the cup with water.

"Yes, the exam went as expected. Arizona will soon be here with the results, which should be out any moment now." He informed her and she nodded, a light frown covering her face as she was taking in the information. He leaned closer with the cup and she mechanically tried to sit up, only to fall back on her pillow once again. "Whoa! Are you okay?" he urgently asked and she quickly nodded.

"Woozy." She said with a weak smile and he chuckled. Holding the cup in his left hand, he reached with his right one to support her head, only to stop mid-air once he noticed her slightly moving away from it, confusion written all over her characteristics. Realization washed over him, as his previous fears turned out to be true. His touch to her was an invasion, an unwanted intimacy, and he could only blame himself for that. Swallowing hard, he pulled his arm a few inches back, giving her an innocent smile in his attempt to hide the feeling of discomfort that was suddenly clawing its way up his chest.

"May I?" he then asked softly, gesturing the cup and then her head.

Recognizing, now, his intentions she nodded, giving him permission. He wasted no time to gently wrap his hand around her neck, steadily supporting her, as he brought the cup to her dry lips in order for her to take a few sips. She drunk like she hadn't drunk in months and he guessed she was only now realizing how thirsty she actually was. Once the cup was empty he left it on the bedside table, before carefully placing her head back on the pillow once again.

"Thanks." She murmured and he found himself mesmerized by the familiar dimples that formed on her cheeks as she grinned. He had always loved her dimples, dating back when they were interns and he had first noticed them, he had always thought they were adorable. He'd seen them a lot since, as he was usually the one to put a smile on her face in the first place. Or rather used to be, ever since the divorce. He blinked the thought away and grinned back at her, while sitting back on his seat next to the bed, locking his hands on the handle once again.

"Jackson?" his name came out of her lips as a whisper, her voice suddenly filled with insecurity. "What if the baby is not okay and we-"

"Let me stop you right there." He interrupted. "Arizona will be here in a few seconds with the results, so let's just not worry unless we have to, alright?" Taking a deep breath she nodded, but the worry did not leave her eyes. He then felt a strong need to comfort her, the urge to touch her returning once again, as his fists clenched around the handle in an attempt to fight it. "But if, say, the baby has an infection, we will give it some light antibiotics and we'll go from there." He watched her nod with seriousness and continued. "If it's CMV we could try Ganciclovir or Valganciclovir to foster brain development and prevent hearing loss, and if it's Varicella we'll go for Famciclovir or maybe Valacyclovir. There sure are risks to each treatment, but there is a high chance of full recovery in both cases. Arizona will be able to advise us further, of course, but for now that should do." She sighed and nodded again. "Plus, it could always be a positional glitch in the ultrasound, and we're just worrying over nothing." He added and the dimples danced at the corners of her mouth once more. "Either way, he's going to be the most loved baby in the planet, so he'll be just fine."

She rolled her eyes. "Stop saying 'he'. What if it's a girl? What if-"

"April. 'What' and 'If' are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life." He said in all seriousness.

She raised her eyebrows. "Did you just quote 'Letters to Juliet?'" she asked, her voice high-pitched out of amusement.

He tried to hide his smile as his attempt to light the atmosphere turned out to be successful. He knew she held that movie close to her heart, and even though it was too cheesy for his taste he had managed to catch a few quotes in-between naps to prove that he was awake when she had made him watch it. He was certain that she had eventually figured him out, but moments like this proved his effort wasn't all for nothing. Clearing his throat he looked down at his feet. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

She shook her head amused and let her smile widen into a brilliant grin that had him beaming at her. She was laughing then, and he couldn't help but wonder how long it had been since he had last heard her laugh. Man, how he had missed it… He could swear even the birds would shut up to hear her beautiful laughter emerging and filling the air with gorgeous sounds coming from deep her chest, composing what still appeared to be his favorite song. Seeing her carefree for at least a moment felt like taking a redeeming breath when he was about to drawn. And he couldn't help but join her, fits of laughter soon emerging from his throat.

The curtains opened widely then, as Arizona roamed in the room, dragging a table with a screen behind her. Their laughter immediately died, as the seriousness of the situation suddenly kicked in. The peds surgeon, though, seemed to be in an exceptionally light mood. "What are we laughing at?" She asked with a smile.

Completely ignoring her question, he watched her with eyes filled with agony as she placed the table at the other side of the bed, turned the screen on and turned to rest her elbows on the small surface in front of her, looking at them with a large grin on her face. On screen, a tiny human brain appeared, which he assumed was their baby's, but because of its small size not much could be distinguished. Trying not to keep his hopes up he gave April a quick glance, only to see his confusion mirrored on her own characteristics. "So?" the redhead asked with an urgency the pediatrician didn't seem to understand. "What did the MRI show?"

Arizona cleared her throat and, grinning, turned to look at the screen once again. "Okay, so, here, the baby's brain ventricular diameter is 10.1, but here is a much clearer picture." She said as a close-up of the same brain appeared. He immediately began searching for any sign of abnormality, but soon concluded there was none. With a hopeful look he eyed their O.B. who was now smirking at them with pride.

"So, it's nothing?" April asked, her voice near to cracking.

"It's definitively nothing." Arizona confirmed and he sat back and let the relief soak right into his bones. It started as a tingle in his fingers and toes, much like the feeling he had when he was anxious, but instead of worrisome it was warm. He felt it pass through him like a warm ocean wave, washing away the stress of his day to leave him refreshed inside. He turned to look at April, who was now laid back on her pillow, hands on forehead, eyes closed, probably feeling the wave of relief herself. "A false positive on the ultrasound, a glitch, just like I said." Arizona concluded as the wave slowly faded and he savored the memory of its gentle touch.

The baby was fine. Their baby was fine. He or she was going to be just fine.

"Thank you God." He heard April gratefully whisper next to him.

Filled with gratefulness himself, he chose to direct it elsewhere. "Thank you." he told the peds surgeon as he felt the realization of the bullet they had just avoided sink in. He took a deep breath and finally felt the oxygen fill his lungs freely. "God!" he sighed, enjoying the newfound feeling.

"Thank you so much for doing the MRI." April said finally opening her eyes and looking at her friend, who suddenly seemed to be growing uncomfortable. "I know that you weren't crazy about it, but I... I needed this. And I... I know I was..." He watched with worry as the redhead struggled to justify her overreaction earlier that morning over Arizona not having caught the baby's possible sickness earlier. "I went a little crazy today." She admitted then, her voice breaking with emotion, and he couldn't hold himself back any longer.

His hand made its way towards hers before he could stop it, and in a blink of an eye he was almost touching her. Realization struck him then. He had no right to touch her. He had lost that right when he made her sign those damn divorce papers. She was in control now, not him, and she had already made it clear that physical contact was forbidden. Unless, of course, she was the one craving it, just like that night at the parking lot. And he was okay with that. At least, he had to be, since he was the one to put them in this situation in the first place. Taking control, he quickly changed the course of his hand, making it land on the mattress instead, inches away from her petite form.

"And… I just… I got really scared." She continued, her eyes glancing at his resting hand next to her, proof that she was aware of his slip. He clenched his jaw. "I needed to know."

The peds surgeon bit her lip, her hand playing with a piece of paper he hadn't noticed she was holding. "Um…" she mattered looking down at it and pushing it forward for them to see. "This is a list of the very, very, very best O.B.s that I know."

"What?" April asked taken aback looking at her friend, who was still avoiding their gaze.

He frowned, not attempting to hide his confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Because I can't be your doctor." Arizona and April crossed looks, the latter giving him a quick glance before guilt covered her eyes.

Jackson almost snorted at the woman's words. Yes, April had definitely overreacted but it was also understandable considering what they had gone through with Samuel. And yeah, she had no impulse control but very little of that outburst had anything to do with Arizona. She was scared and freaked out, and he sure as hell understood that.

"Wait, listen…" April raised her hands defensively. "Listen, I am… I'm sorry." She freely said with honesty, and something inside him snapped with her words. His expression went from confused to furious in an instant, as he glared at the redhead with disbelief.

I'm sorry. 

The words repeated themselves in his mind and burning rage hissed through his body like deathly poison, as he watched the entire previous year pass in front of his eyes.

I'm sorry.

Fear. Pain. Hurt. Anger. Every feeling, every emotion he had thought the divorce had helped him fight and smash down, it all suddenly came to the surface without a single warning.

I'm sorry. 

There they were. Those three words he had so desperately wanted to hear since she had left for Jordan, especially the second time, but never got them. She had left him. Samuel had died in their arms, their baby had died in their arms. He needed her there to heal, to be with him, to take the pain away and tell him everything was going to be alright. He needed her there to grief with him, to help him passed this, to pull him out of the mud and be there for the worse of 'for better or worse'. He needed her. And she abandoned him. Twice. She walked away. She run, half way across the world, leaving him to deal with the pain of losing his son on his own. And never, not once, had she apologized for it. She had never acknowledged the pain she caused him while dealing with her own feelings. Even when he'd said he was going to leave her. Even when he left.

But the moment Arizona confirmed she was leaving their case, she immediately said she was sorry for hurting her while she was freaking out about the baby. She did to her friend in a so natural way what she couldn't do for him.

"I just needed to know for sure…" April continued with her apology, completely unaware of the internal struggle she was putting him through. Every word stung only fueling the fire that burned inside of him. Every phrase was like gasoline to it, his fists began to clench and his jaw rooted.

"If I'm gonna be your doctor, then I can't be your friend. And..."

"No, come on."

"And I want to be your friend. I'm sorry." The peds surgeon finally picked up the paper in front of her and he grabbed it from her grip, a bit more forcefully than he normally would have. He watched her leave without actually looking, anger clouding his vision.

When they were alone once again, he felt April's eyes on him, studying him closely. He didn't know what she saw, he had no idea what his expression looked like. Anger boiled deep in his system, as hot as lava. It churned within, hungry for destruction, and he knew it was too much for him to handle. The pressure of this raging sea of anger would force him to say things he didn't mean, or to express thoughts he'd suppressed for weeks. Months. He knew he had to get out of the room before he erupted in his furious state.

He pushed the chair back to its original spot with more force than necessary, causing it to slam against the wall with a large bang, as he turned and left without a word, drugging the curtain shut behind him.


	2. The Goddamn Fortune Cookie

He entered the apartment and slammed the door shut behind him. He wasted no time to even turn the lights on, he just threw his briefcase on the couch and went straight to the bedroom. Kicking off his shoes, he hanged his jacket on the hook and jumped on his bed, still fully clothed. 

He wasn’t sure if he was able to think, but he sure as hell didn’t want to. He just needed a break, a way to get away from all this madness for just a few hours. Drinking was not an option, of course. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had gotten drunk, it was as if even alcohol despised him, as its use would only cause him powerful headaches instead of the peaceful and worry-free unconsciousness he so much craved. He was certain, though, that no matter how much he’d try to sleep, it would be to no avail. His body was too tense, his mind running a mile a minute. So he reached for the remote from the side table, the only piece of furniture in the room apart from his bed, and turned the wall-mounted TV on.

He had lived in this apartment for months, but never even considered painting the walls, let alone paying attention to the decor. He knew there was no point in trying to make the place cozier, more like home. It would never feel like that, and he knew it. The word ‘home’ for him was linked to his previous apartment. 

Not because of April, of course, he thought to himself. It was probably because he had lived there the longest. 

No, that’s not right, he quickly corrected. His entire childhood was spent in Boston. But Boston never quite felt like home to him either. The entire city yelled ‘Catherine Avery’. Which was obviously the reason why he got so attached to his previous apartment. It was the first place he’d gotten in Seattle, the first time he got to explore life without his mother. 

Wait… No, that was Meredith’s house.

Well, it was just because he knew the place too well, he finally decided. He knew every corner, every single inch. The all had a special tale to tell. Like the hook right next to the front door, the one April had managed to convince him install, after both of them had repeatedly spent hours searching for the keys. 

Or the kitchen counter, which they had somehow chosen for the place they folded the laundry -right next to the fruit basket, constantly filled with her favorite green apples, something he always found ironic considering what the saying is about that particular fruit. 

Or the freaking blue throw pillows she had put on his couch, the ones she had finally shoved somewhere in the closet after multiple complains from his part. Of course she had wasted no time on pulling them back out as soon as he’d moved out, combining them with dozens more of colorful ones, as if there wasn’t already enough of her everywhere he looked. If he wanted to be honest with himself though he had to admit that he kind of liked the contrast they made with his large grey couch. He snorted. Him liking the throw pillows. Who’d have known?

He suddenly was aware of a huge grin that had spread all over his face and quickly shoved it away groaning. Why the hell was he thinking about her again? Her and her stupid throw pillows. Wasn’t the point of opening the damn TV to keep him from thinking? He realized he’d been watching the cooking channel all along. Paying attention for the first time, he noticed a chubby lady cutting a piece of meat into smaller pieces. It was duck. 

He tried to recall the last time he’d had duck. It must had been back when Webber had taken them all out for dinner to celebrate finishing their residency -not passing their boars, apparently, since April had been invited too, and he was well-aware of her failure. He still considered himself partly responsible for it, but of course he couldn’t come to regret it. 

He had never had duck since that diner, as April had a pet duck growing up, which apparently lived inside her house. No wonder, of course, since she grew up in a farm, and had taken care of animals of all kinds. Sheep, cows, pigs… he suddenly remembered a certain pig and found himself laughing out loud. It seemed like him not calling her after she’d left for Moline -when she’d failed her boards- had been just a little too harsh on her, Jackson the pig being the living proof of exactly that. He had met ‘Jacks’ the first time they’d flown over there, for her to officially introduce him to her parents and sisters as her husband, right after their wedding in that weird-smelling little chapel in Tahoe. 

“Son of a…” he began saying, suddenly aware of the path his thoughts had taken again, and immediately stopped himself out of habit, since April always scolded him when he cursed in front of her. “Ugh!” he groaned again and buried his head in his palms. Great. Freaking perfect.

Deciding, finally, that the TV was terrible at keeping him distracted, he quickly turned it off and placed the remote back on the side table. Mad for a completely different reason now than he was when he’d entered the apartment, he rolled over and shut his eyes firmly, hoping sleep would take over. 

A few minutes had passed of him counting sneaker pairs -refusing to let his mind anywhere near sheep and farms- when he finally felt his body relax and his consciousness slowly drifting away. 

Suddenly, the piercing sound of his ringtone had him moaning on his pillow in frustration. Muttering another curse under his breath he sat up and, while rubbing his eye with one hand, he reached for his cellphone with the other one, bringing it to his ear. 

“Hello?” he said, his voice still rough from his almost-slumber. However, apart from an odd, yet somehow familiar, sound he could not identify, no answer came. “Hello?” he repeated, his voice coming out clearer this time, but the only response was the sound once more.

Confused, he was about to peek through his heavy eyelids at the still too-bright screen to see who was calling, when the sound came again and his eyes immediately shot open as he finally realized what it was.

“April?” he asked urgently, no longer needing to check to know it was her. Every trace of sleepiness left his body completely, as another series of sobs reached his ear. “April! What’s wrong? What happened?” he quickly stood up from the bed in alert. The sobs continued strong but when she didn’t give him another answer he almost snapped. “Damn it, April, talk to me! Is the baby okay? What happened?!” 

“I-ugh- can’t s-stop!” She cried then breathless, the heart breaking sobs only increasing in intensity, leaving him unblinking. Unthinking. It was all he could focus on for now; the cries he heard. It was as if every sound that escaped her mouth was set to the frequency that would shatter his heart to pieces again and again and again. His breathing quickened, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. Too dry. He swallowed hard, his finger clenching to a fist, as he slowly closed his eyes. 

“Hey.” He then said to the microphone softly, forcing all the urgency away from his tone, only to be responded by another dry racking sob. He had no idea what could have upset her so much, but he knew that if he was to find out he needed her to first stop crying. “April, listen to me.” He tried again. “You need to calm down, okay? Just breathe. Can you do that? Can you breathe for me?” He asked and then froze, mentally kicking himself. For him? What the hell was he saying? “You need to calm down for the baby, okay?” He quickly rephrased. “You’re stressing him out. He probably won’t be getting enough oxygen either. So you need to calm down. Relax. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” Oh, great. “Just keep breathing, alright? Here, listen to me breathing and try to breathe with me. Can you do that, sweetheart?”

Well, if mental kicks could actually do some harm he was pretty sure he’d be freaking brain dead by now.

He brought his mouth as close to the microphone as possible and started breathing heavily. Relief washed over him once he heard her sobs slowly but steadily quiet down, her breaths becoming less and less rigid by the minute. Soon enough the only thing that could be heard was their synchronized breathing.

“Thank you.” her voice came as a whisper after another minute and he cracked a small smile.

“What happened?”

“I… I don’t know. I couldn’t stop crying.” He heard her take a deep breath. “It’s just that… Well, Arizona left our case and… then you were suddenly mad and I didn’t know why and so I run home and it suddenly felt to empty and then… I went into the nursery for the first time in months and… It was just too much, you know?” her voice cracked then and he was once again left speechless. He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t know what to say. He had no idea how to respond to what he’d just heard, so he just stood there, frozen, until he heard her sniff and then sigh. “God, I don’t know what came over me, I shouldn’t have called.”

“No, no.” He found his voice again. “Call. Always call.”

…brain dead, you say?

“I mean…” he sighed frustrated at himself. “Look, I meant what I said before, okay? I want us to treat each other like we used to. I want us to be friends again, if not for us then for the sake of the baby. So, when you need me, I’ll be here.” He suppressed the next groan. It was what friends did, right?

He didn’t need to look at her to know she was nodding. However she didn’t speak for a while and he didn’t know what to make out of it. But then he heard her sigh. Her sigh was of a softly deflating; it was as if a tension had lifted yet left her with a melancholy instead of relief. He swallowed hard. 

“Where are you right now?” he asked after another moment.

“The balcony.” She answered with a small sniff. 

And that was when he saw it.

It was like those moments in movies when the character reaches some great realization and a series of images start flashing through his eyes. He was truly surprised by how vivid, how intense those images were. Her entering the large, quiet apartment, still hurt by her best friend’s behavior, and certainly confused by his. He saw her in his mind, hanging the keys on the hook before walking through the living room, switching on every light as she went – as he knew she hated the dark. He saw her walk passed their –her- bedroom door, and then freeze in front of the next one. He watched her hand slowly shift to reach the handle, swinging the door open to reveal the one room none of them could handle being close to. 

Immediately her breath hitched in her throat, her left hand quickly moving to her chest, right over the shear of nothingness that suddenly took over her heart. He knew this, because he felt it too. 

He couldn’t really tell what the inside of the room looked like, apparently his imagination was too mere for that. It didn’t seem to matter, though, as the so well-known overwhelm was back. The awful hollowness, the waves of wretchedness threatened to engulf his mind, body and soul. His heart felt as if his blood had become tar as it struggled to keep a steady beat. And so did hers, apparently. He watched astonished as one small crystal bead escaped from her right eye. He could almost feel the warmth, sliding down her cheek, and rolling off her chin. Then another. And another. Until her eyes flooded with them, coming like a rainfall. Sniffing every few seconds, they fell, and fell, and she let them. Her lips were trembling until she suddenly bit down on them hard and with the quickest of moves she slammed the door shut again and raced through the living room to reach the balcony, desperate for fresh air.

He saw her push with violence the glass door open and run through the last remaining meters before he hands finally reached the railing, grabbing it with a force he didn’t know she had in her. The sobs punched through then, ripping through her muscles, bones, and guts. He felt every single one of them as if they were his own. She tried to make them slow so she could breathe but they wouldn't. Her breaths came in gasps and she felt like she would black out. Her heart was hammering inside her chest like it belonged to a rabbit running for its skin. And so was his. He watched her squat on the floor, desperately trying to make everything slow to something her brain and body could cope with. But that was impossible. The sobs continued wracking her body violently and she shook like a leaf. She couldn’t stop crying, and she was out of breath. She was all alone in the stupid huge apartment, pregnant with his baby and having a full-ledged panic attack. 

And where had he been?

“Stay right there. I’m coming over.” He managed to choke out and rushed to grab his sneakers from where he’d thrown them.

“What? No, no, Jackson, we’re fine, you don’t-” he heard her say, but his thumb was already on the red button, ending the call.  
Before he knew it he was already in his car, driving full-speed to get there as soon as possible. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was acting irrational, that she was okay now, but he couldn’t bring himself to slow down. A few blocks before the apartment he found a parking seat large enough to fit his black Volkswagen Tiguan in, and he soon found himself all but running down the street, only to stop on his tracks when he came across the bright yellow sign of the Chinese restaurant down the corner. He frowned. As much as he wanted to keep running towards the house, he knew that if she had indeed had a panic attack, she would really need to put some food in her system. And he was, by no means, going to let her cook right now. And of course cooking for her was out of question too, since he was not going to risk giving her food poisoning in her condition. Sparing the apartment one last glance, he raced down the street and entered the restaurant, ordering enough food to feed five people. And, of course, he asked for extra fortune cookies. A few minutes later he was once again running his way to the apartment, one large takeout bag in each hand. He somehow managed not to stumble while skipping a few steps as he was climbing the stairs, and soon enough he was knocking at the door, panting as hell.

He heard her hurried footsteps then, and he couldn’t help but feel the anticipation tingling through him like electrical sparks on the way to the ground, gathering in his toes. Before he knew it the door was suddenly open, and he couldn’t hold back the grin that spread though his face at the view in front of him. She was in her grey pyjamas, the ones with the pink sleeves and the white-hearted pants. Barefoot, of course. She was always walking around barefoot. She’d once told him she loved the feeling of her bare feet against the ground, to be able to wiggle her toes with no boundaries. She’d said it made her feel free. He never quite understood this nature-freak side of her, being the city-boy he was, but he’d eventually grown to kind of love it.

Raising his eyes, he felt his heart skip a beat at the sight of the bump of her belly, the fabric of her airy blouse embracing it softly. Once his gaze finally found her face, he noticed her expression and his grin became unbelievably wider. Her mouth was hanging open, her eyes glued to the oversized bags in his hands. He raised them in between them and shrugged, a smirk playing on his lips. “I figured you’d be hungry. But apparently you’re in the mood for flies instead.”

She immediately closed her mouth and bit on her lower lip -obviously trying to contain a smile- as she gave him a glare. 

“Jackson, you really didn’t have to-”

“Aren’t you going to invite me inside?” he cut her off, not needing another reminder of all the rights he had lost when he’d signed those freaking divorce papers.

He watched her swallow and take a step back, opening the door wider for him to enter. He wasted no time before stepping in the apartment, his eyes roaming over the room in front of him. Relief washed over him when he realized everything looked just like he’d left it. The small hook on his right, the shoe painting on his left, the couple of leather armchairs and the wooden dining table behind them. The kitchen counter with the fruit basket neatly on its usual place, the green apples shining softly under the firm light. He smiled when he noticed that the large grey couch facing the TV on the wall was filled once again with dozens of colorful throw pillows. Hearing the door close behind him, he quickly walked over to the table and placed the bags casually next to each other, before turning to face her again. She was still staring at the bags.

“I hope you’re hungry. I got us a bit more than needed.” He admitted.

She snorted. “I can see that.” She said and then smiled. “You really liked this place, didn’t you?”

“It’s my official food supplier.” He answered truthfully. 

She sighed as she went over to grab one bag and started taking out the small takeout boxes, placing them on the table. “You know, you really should learn how to cook.” 

“I know how to cook.” He exclaimed with a frown as he mimicked her movements with the other takeout bag, searching for one paper package in particular. 

Yeah, right. 

“I fail to see how burnt spaghetti and smashed pancakes count as cooking.” 

He rolled his eyes as he grabbed the package he’d been searching for, holding it up to her. “If you want your extra cookies you’d better stop commenting on my cooking skills.”

Her movements froze and her eyes lit up in amusement. “You got me extra fortune cookies again? You do know I’m not a five-year-old, right?”

He shrugged. “Whatever. Do you want them or not?” he suppressed a laugh when she quickly sat down on her seat and held both of her hands up in the air, waiting. He smirked as he recalled the last time they had eaten Chinese food together, when he had asked her for a divorce and they’d gotten in a mayor fight with her bombarding him with fortune cookies mercilessly until he’d finally stopped her… with his lips. 

“Just try to actually eat them this time instead of throwing them on my face.” He placed the bag in her open palms and then took a sharp breath once he suddenly realized that he’d said the last part out loud.

What the actual hell?

He sat on the seat in front of him before risking a quick glance at her from the corner of his eyes. Her cheeks were slightly redder, her eyes kind of wide and a small smile was playing on her lips. “Duly noted.” She finally said, and he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He grabbed one takeout box and a set of chopsticks and placed them in front of him, and then turned at her and gestured for her to begin. And so she lifted her elbows up the table and tangled her fingers together, bending to rest her forehead on the unison of her hands as she began praying. 

“Amen.” She whispered after a minute and looked up at him. “Thanks for waiting.” She said then with a smile and he mimicked it effortlessly. Her hand flew over to the pair of green bottles sitting on the table, pushing one his way before dragging the other one close to her face for her to examine.

“It’s just sparkling water.” He informed her as he opened the S. Pellegrino bottle in front of him and took a sip, trying not to grimace at the taste. How could she like this thing?

“How come you didn’t get a beer?” she asked, bringing her bottle to her lips. 

“I was being supportive.” He replied, wishing now he hadn’t. “Plus this thing is not that bad.” He added, trying to cover the disgust in his voice. Nope. It was horrible. 

She raised one eyebrow, amusement in her eyes, but said nothing. She reached for a takeout box and opened it, the smell of roasted pork with bamboo shoots and bean germs filing the air. She sniffed at it and licked her lips, quickly grabbing a pair of chopsticks and taking a bite. She moaned then, pure pleasure written all over her characteristics. 

“That good?” he asked, more than satisfied with her reaction.

“You have no idea.” She replied and stuffed another piece of meat in her mouth. 

“Don’t you think it’s kind of hypocritical of you not to eat duck but love all other types of meat? I mean, you eat animals of the same species as the ones you raised. I don’t see how duck should be any different.”

“The duck I had lived in the house, Jackson. We ate breakfast together and cuddled on the couch for hours. It’s different.” She replied while chewing. “Also, I had tried duck once when I was little and didn’t taste anywhere close to this.” She swallowed. “God, this is amazing.” She added with a groan and he couldn’t help but chuckle.

“So, I take it kiddo approves?” he asked again and she nodded.

“Oh, there’s definitely a party going on in there. Here.” She said and, before he had time to process it, her hand was on his, guiding it right to her belly. When his palm met the wall of her swelled abdomen he let out a sigh and closed his eyes, waiting. Not long passed before he felt the familiar flatter against his hand. He felt the largest of grins spread across his face, as he let the happiness soak right into his bones. It was only the second time he’d ever felt his baby kick, but the way the small movement tickled his palm it felt so right, so natural, as if he had been feeling it his entire life. 

“This feels amazing.” He admitted out load, and opened his eyes to meet hers. She was looking back at him, her wide smile mirroring his own. He felt the flatter increase, then, and she lifted her hand to cover her half-full mouth as she suddenly started giggling.   
“What?” he asked amused.

“The baby’s tickling me!” she squeaked between laughs, and he soon joined her, getting lost in their little bubble of happiness.  
When the giggling stopped and his hand was off her tummy once again, she reached for the bag with the fortune cookies, throwing one his way. She watched him catch it mid-air and rolled her eyes, taking one for herself and quickly unwrapping it. He watched closely as she broke the cookie in half, pulling out the small white piece of paper the whole fuss was about. She brought it to her face.

“Change is coming.” She read aloud, quirking one eyebrow. “Hmm.” She added, a smile forming on her face. What was that supposed to mean? She wanted a change? He could not think of a single thing he’d like to change right now. The three of them laughing freely, eating dinner at this apartment… he hadn’t felt more at ease in months. More lighthearted. More like home.

“Your turn!” she yelped excited and he chuckled. He ripped the wrapping off the cookie and cracked it open. He took the small paper in his fingers and glanced through the letters. His mouth fell. 

Great. Even the damn cookies hated him.

“What?” she asked, her tone filled with amusement. “Jackson, what does it say?” She asked again eagerly when he didn’t answer.   
He closed his mouth and cleared his throat. “Don’t be a dick.” He read and saw her eyes widen, her hand flying to cover her mouth.

They stayed frozen like that for a few moments staring at each other’s eyes, when a small giggle escaped her mouth. Then another one. And a few more after those. Soon enough she had bursted out into fits of laughter. 

Once again, he could not but join her.

When this second round of laughter finally came to an end, they began actually eating their food. A while passed of the two of them chewing in silence, the atmosphere getting heavier by the minute as he slowly remembered what had brought him there in the first place. He swallowed more soundly than needed and dared a look her way. Her eyes were on her plate, but she must have felt his gaze on her as she suddenly seemed to tense. He sighed and left his chopsticks on his plate, turning his whole body to face her completely, and she finally looked up to meet his gaze.

“So.” He began, his tone now serious. “What happened before?”

She took a breath. “I told you. I panicked.”

“Yes. But why?” he insisted. 

“I told you that too, Jackson. I really don’t want to-”

“But we should talk about it, April. Because if we are to do this, if we are to raise this baby together and not fight then we need to be open with each other. And what happened today, it cannot happen again. For the baby’s sake if not yours. You know how risky it can be breaking down like that. So talk to me. Tell me exactly what caused it so we can prevent it from happening again.”

She let out a long sigh and took another sip from her drink. She then looked back at him. “Well… it was mostly because of being in the nursery, I think.” She said softly after a moment. “Arizona leaving our case and you being all mad and leaving me on the spot with no explanation had something to do with it too, but it was basically the nursery.” 

He winced. With everything happening he had completely forgotten about his outburst. Or how naturally her apology had come when her friend threatened to leave her, an apology he apparently wasn’t worth earning, even if it meant that she’d lose him for good. He gritted his teeth, trying to control the wave of anger that rushed through him again. 

“There it is again.” She said, looking straight into his eyes. He looked away. “You’re mad.” She continued. “And I don’t get it. I mean, I know I overreacted at the ultrasound today. I know. And I also recognize that I put Arizona through hell, and that she was probably making a right call firing me as a patient. But this-” she said, her voice high-pitched now, and pointed at his face. “-This I don’t get. What is it, Jackson? What drives you so mad that you smash chairs on the walls and run off without a word?”

He clenched his fists and bit his tongue, gusts of air blowing wildly through his now dilated nostrils. He didn’t reply, he just kept staring at the large painting on the wall facing him. His eyes roamed over the narrow dark lines that stood out from the dull beige of the background, probably depicting tree trunks that somehow had grown red leaves, and were set in a way to leave a long, red path in the middle. He wasn’t sure if it was actually a forest though, as – contrary to the artist that painted his favorite, very realistic shoe painting- this one had decided to just throw in shapes, and let everyone make his own assumptions. He had always failed to see what April saw in that one, but as long as it meant getting to keep the shoe one –which she absolutely hated- he was making no complaints. 

“Jackson.”

He swallowed. “I’m not gonna talk about it.” 

“I thought we just said we’d be open with each other.” She murmured then, her voice dropping to almost a whisper. 

He sighed. “This really isn’t something I feel comfortable talking about with you.”

“I think I deserve an explanation.”

He huffed. “Do you, now?”

“You left me in that room alone after an entire day of thinking our baby could be sick without a single excuse.”

“You left me here alone for an entire year, right after our son died without a freaking apology!” he spat out suddenly, venom dripping from his tongue. 

Her eyes grew wide and her mouth hang open, and he cursed himself for letting it slip out. But he could no longer control his mouth. “You left me! You abandoned me when I needed you the most, and never, not once, did you even say a goddamn ‘sorry’. Robbins leaves the case and you immediately fall on your knees, bathing her with apologies, begging her to stay, and I tell you I might not be here if you leave again and you freaking jump on the next flight without a single thought! So what, this marriage never meant anything to you? What about me? Did I even matter at all? Cause it seems to me that everyone else’s words have always been worthy of your consideration, apart from mine. Robbins’, your mother’s, Hunt’s, Riggs’… hell, even Karev’s! They all get a say in your decisions but me. They’re all worth your apology but me! And I, April, I don’t get that. Is it because you feel sorry for me? You’ve said that before, so don’t even try to deny it. You feel sorry for me because I don’t know how to believe in your God. And that makes me less worthy, is that it? I don’t count because I don’t believe in the same things you do? Because I’m ‘lost’, right? I need to find my way back to God’s path; until I do I don’t deserve your apology, just your pity.” He snorted, not a trace of amusement in his tone. “Wait, is that why you married me in the first place, to bring me close to God? Did you feel like it was your job, like I was your personal form of charity? My beliefs are just another obstacle you have to face to prove yourself to your God?” Words flew from his mouth that he never thought he'd even think, let alone say out loud. 

He knew instantly from the look in her eyes that they'd hit their mark.

“Okay, you know what, that’s enough!” she yelled, suddenly standing up from her seat. “I am not gonna stand here listening to you throwing insults at my face and do nothing. This is so unfair! Just because I am a Christian it doesn’t mean I am judging you or your beliefs, and you know it. You know me, Jackson, and you know I never asked or wanted you to change what you are and what you believe in. And you sure as Hell know I married you because I loved you and I wanted to be with you forever, till death do us part! I vowed to, in front of God, and you don’t get to question that, okay? You were the one who wanted the divorce, you were the one that gave up on us! I left the wedding of my dreams to the man of my dreams, the man who had the same believes as me, the man my family absolutely adored, the man who was still a virgin, waiting for his one true love! He was my Prince Charming, riding his white horse, ready to take my hand and guide me through the sunset, do you think I would let all that go to run off with you if I didn’t love you too much for my own good? If anyone is to question the other’s motives for entering this marriage, it’s me!”

“I had everything I always wanted!” he shouted, standing up as well. “I had this huge, goddamn apartment, I had a girlfriend who all but fainted at the single look of my eyes, I had the utter and undeniable respect of all my colleagues, I had an entire stupid hospital all to myself! I had the perfect life I had always dreamed of, and you think I’d ruin it all by standing up at your dreamy, ‘mint to be’, butterfly wedding if I didn’t love you so much it’s freaking ridiculous?”

“Then why the Hell did you give up on us?” she cried, her voice finally breaking. Slow desolate tears ran from her unblinking eyes and dripped steadily onto her nightshirt. “Why did you give up on me?” she whispered then, so softly he wasn’t sure he’d actually heard her say it. 

And there he stood, frozen to the spot, as realization drew him in, the guilt suddenly feeling like ice in his guts. He’d been so selfishly yelling at her, throwing at her words he didn’t even believe in, and now she was crying again. And it was all on him this time. He’d gone there to help her calm down, to protect her, and look at him now. What the hell was he doing? What the hell was he thinking? He quickly shook his head and swallowed hard, closing his eyes. How did they and up like this again? Why couldn’t they just be in the same damn room for a single hour without fighting? “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I don’t know what came over me.” He finally opened his eyes and saw her wiping her wet cheeks with her sleeve. “I was supposed to come here to calm you down, but I apparently messed this up as well.”

“I’m fine.” She stubbornly said then, avoiding his gaze.

“It’s getting late.” He exclaimed after a minute of silence. “I should go.”

When she didn’t answer he bent over the table and reached for the dirty plates to help her clean up. He heard her sigh. “Just leave it, Jackson. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine. I won’t let you clean all these by yourself.”

“I’m pregnant, I’m not sick, I can wash a couple of plates. Just go.” She said but he couldn’t bring himself to let her do the cleaning. Not tonight. “Jackson, seriously, put down the dishes. You’re gonna break them and they’re my favorite set.” She said and under other circumstances he would have bursted out laughing. His clumsiness was not a thing many people were aware of, but April had witnessed it multiple times, from him spilling coffee all over her to constantly breaking the dishes while washing them. Knowing that the odds of him actually ruining her favorite set were pretty high, he finally gave in with a sigh and left the plates back on the table. 

“Alright. I’m going then.” He said and grabbed his jacket from the armchair he’d thrown it earlier. As he headed towards the door he heard her footsteps right behind him, following him closely. He opened the door and stepped outside, turning around to face her once again. When her eyes finally met his he tried to read them but couldn’t. She didn’t speak, she just kept staring at him, her expression indefinable. He took a deep breath.

“This has to stop.” He told her, his voice coming out almost pleading. “I need to be able to talk to you for more than a minute and not end up arguing again. I don’t want to fight you, April. I don’t know why this keeps happening, but I… I’ll try my best to stop it.”

She bit down on her lower lip then and nodded. “I… I completely agree. We have to stop arguing. This isn’t healthy for us and especially for the baby. We’re going to raise it together, and so we have to find a way to get along. For both its sake and ours.”

He gave her a small smile and she soon returned it. “I’m really sorry about tonight.” He said again.

“Me too.” She told him, and he nodded in recognition.

“So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you then. Goodnight, Jackson.”

“Goodnight.” He mumbled and started walking down the dark corridor. Once he heard the door shut closed behind him, a wave of loneliness flowed through his veins and deadened his mind.

If only he could for one listen to the goddamn fortune cookie.


	3. Twisted Déjà Vu

He woke up with a strong headache the next day, which unfortunately followed him all the way to the hospital. He could feel his pulse pounding on his temples so forcefully that if he didn’t know it was medically impossible, he’d definitely think his scull would pop open. 

He drove through the parking lot, searching for a place to park. A familiar silver glow caught his eye then, and he smiled -unwittingly, of course- when he spotted an empty seat right next to her pulled over car. He didn’t think twice before parking next to it, quickly grabbing his briefcase and jumping off his seat. He locked his jeep and jogged through the busy lot, and soon enough he was in the attendings’ lounge to put on his scrubs.

The door soon shot open and he watched Karev enter the room, heading straight for the coffee maker. “Good morning.”

He groaned. “I don’t see how.”

The peds surgeon turned to eye him from head to toe, an eyebrow raised. 

“Headache.” He answered the unspoken question, and took off his jeans.

Karev snorted. “Did you get wasted last night?” he asked, taking a cup to fill with fresh made coffee.

“No.” he answered, pulling up the bottom of his scrubs and tying the strings. “I went to April’s last night.”

Alex’s expression didn’t change. “Yeah, she told me.”

His breath hitched in his throat. He focused all his attention to the guy in front of him. “She did?” He nodded. Karev obviously didn’t want to share more details, but he wasn’t planning to let him off the hook that easily. “What did she say?”

He shrugged. “She said you had fun.”

He blinked. Fun? Okay, yeah, sure they had laughed a lot -and by that he meant a lot- but fun wouldn’t be quite the word he’d use to describe the previous night. Not after how it had ended. A flash of images run through his mind, him screaming at her, the tears running like a river on her nightshirt… 

Why did you give up on me? 

Her heartbroken whisper echoed in his ears, and he tried to swallow the lump that was suddenly blocking his throat.   
“Are you sure she said ‘fun’? Didn’t she say anything else?”

The man sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Dude, it’s eight in the morning, I haven’t even woken up yet. Go talk to her yourself, leave me out of it. I’m tired of being everyone’s advice source, I have enough problems to deal with already, I don’t want to listen to your carp.”

He winced. “Jo still hasn’t answered?” he asked, more a statement than a question. Alex shrugged again and headed towards the door, opening it to leave the room. 

With a quick move he turned and pulled his shirt over his head, only to hear a small gasp from behind him. Turning over again, he saw a wide-eyed April standing right next to the door, her eyes glued to his bare skin. 

“Oh, God!” she gasped again and shut her eyes firmly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in here. I just – I left my pager here and-”  
“April, it’s okay. It’s fine.” He assured her but she just bit her lip, her eyes still shut, as a bright red color began covering her cheeks.  
He would have laughed. 

Not because of the ridiculous awkwardness of the situation they were in –though it was pretty ridiculous, come think of it, after all those millions of times she’d seen his bare chest, touched it, kissed it… 

He would have laughed because that… that reaction was so April. 

Not this April, the badass trauma surgeon, who risked her life to save soldiers in Jordan and dragged an entire car to the hospital to save a patient who was trapped inside it. 

The April he saw in her reaction was his ignorant, awkward, virgin best friend. The one that rushed out of the room red as a beet at the mention of the word ‘sex’. The one who covered her eyes and stretched her hand as far from her as possible to hand him a towel when he was having a sower. The one whose mouth almost hit the ground, her eyes as wide as possible, when the penile-transplant patient his mother had once brought to the hospital took his robe out in front of them. The one who he hadn’t seen since that night in San Francisco, and hadn’t even realized how much he’d missed her until right this second. Seeing that little duckie now, in the body of the all transformed, serious swan she had come to be, it made him so overjoyed he wanted to burst into giggles -no offense. 

He would have laughed.

He should have laughed.

But he didn’t. He couldn’t. 

Because then he heard the heartbreak in her mental voice again, only this time from another argument, months before the previous night’s. 

“What is happening to us?” she had whispered, still frantically panting after the intensity of the fortune cookie fight that had just died down. “How did we get to this? How do we make it stop?” 

“I don’t know.” He had answered, and he couldn’t have been more honest.

What had happened to them? How did they end up like this? Standing in the same damn room, only feet away from each other, half of his clothes lying on the ground and her covering her eyes in embarrassment. 

Only months ago she would have run up to him without a single thought. She would have traced her hand down his torso, her slim fingers following the lines of his abs with such delicacy, such tenderness, sending delicious shivers down his spine. And he would have leaned in to place his lips down to the base of her neck, hitting that favorite spot of hers that would have her breathing frantically, her hot breath against his ear, her eyes rolling back in pure pleasure just like every single time. And then he would have taken the base of her top in his grip, quickly pulling it over her head and disposing it to the floor. She would have wrapped her arms around his neck for support, before he’d lift her up, her legs locking around his waist, and he would carry her until her back hit the wall. And then her lips would finally be on his, fiery, passionate and demanding, nearly knocking all wind from his lungs. And that was when she would have thrust her hips upwards, earning a deep groan from him at the feeling of the long-needed friction against his fast growing erection…

She took a sharp breath then, and he snapped back to reality.

What. The. Hell. Was. He. Doing.

She had just entered the room seconds ago. Like, literally, five seconds. How on earth did he end up fantasizing about her? They were divorced. He had made the decision to end their marriage, and she had respected it completely. So why the hell couldn’t he? What was wrong with him?

He quickly grabbed the top of his scrubs and put it on. “You can open your eyes now, I’m dressed.” He announced, and she did as told.

She just stood there still for a moment -apparently finding something extremely interesting to the dull, brown carpet out of the sudden- as an awkward silence filled the room. He cleared his throat, unable to think of anything to say, and she swiftly blinked, seeming to remember all at once what had gotten her there in the first place. She rushed over to the small table at the corner of the room and took hold of her pager that was lying on top of it. 

Great, he thought. Just when they had finally begun to warm up to one another the tension was back, strong as ever. He watched in silence as she made her way quickly back to the door, probably in a hurry to get away from him as soon as possible. 

Not that you can blame her, the pervert you are.

Shut up.

“April.” He called after her, inexcusably needing her to stay. She stopped and turned to face him again, her eyes cautious.  
But he had nothing planned to say. 

“Uh…” he struggled, his mind seeking anything worth talking about. “Did you find out what Arizona wanted to ask us yesterday at the ultrasound?” he burst out the first thing he thought of. 

Nice. Please, by all means, do remind her of her friend who abandoned her case the day before.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, taken aback. She seemed like she expected a completely different question. He suddenly felt eager to find out which. He shut his mouth before he could let any other balderdash slip. “Well, actually I didn’t. I’ll go ask her later.” She said and then paused, narrowing her eyes. She seemed to be examining his face closely. “Are… are you okay?”

He gulped. What was that supposed to mean? Did he not seem okay? Cause he was fine. Oh, he was perfectly, utterly fine. “I’m fine, why?” he all but squeaked. 

Nailed it.

Shut up.

“You just… you look a bit off.”

“Off how?” To be honest he wouldn’t use the word ‘off’. Quite the opposite, actually, after his little daydream.

“Like you’re in pain.” 

“Oh!” as soon as the words left her mouth, the twinge of pain he had somehow managed to completely forget about this long suddenly struck him again and he couldn’t help but wince. “I’m fine. It’s just a stupid headache.” He exclaimed. 

“Did you take any painkillers?” she asked then, even though they both knew that she already knew the answer. He didn’t need painkillers. He was not a baby, he could handle some pain. And it wasn’t even that bad.

“No.” he answered anyway.

“Of course not.” She muttered with a huff, and it seemed to him like he heard her add something in the lines of ‘goat’. 

Goat?

What the hell did that mean? And how on earth did she manage to add a farm animal to every single conversation? It must be some special talent of hers or something. 

Yeah, the talent to get you horny. Pun intended.

Shut up.

Well, it certainly made no sense, so he decided he’d probably heard her wrong anyways.

“Uh, I have to go, they need me at the ER.” She exclaimed then, wrinkling her nose. “I’ll come find you as soon as I find out what Arizona wanted okay?”

“Okay.” He reluctantly agreed and watched her walk away.

But that was the last he saw of her that day. And he hated how much he was aware of that.

The rest of the day passed in the blink of an eye. After two surgeries, six consults and tons of paperwork, he soon found himself falling on his bed exhausted, sleep taking over him before his head even touched the pillow. 

Once the alarmed signaled the morning’s arrival once again, he unwillingly left his bed with a sigh, glad for once to realize that the stabbing pain on his head was finally gone. He followed his normal morning routine and then he left for work, parking right next to her car once more before running to the attending’s’ lunge to change into his scrubs.

A board meeting and three more consults later it was already lunch time and he was heading for the cafeteria when he finally bumped into her. 

Literally.

“Crap!” he yelled, and she shrieked and stepped back, but it was too late. The cup she happened to be holding had smashed on his chest and the icy water it contained ended up spilling all over the top of her navy blue scrubs. “Shit, are you alright?” he asked as she froze still and shut her eyes closed.

“Man, that’s cold.” She hissed through her teeth, her mouth stiff, and a shiver run through her entire body, shaking it firmly. Way to go, Avery. One disaster after another.

“April, I’m so sorry! Here” he said and without taking time to think about it his hand was on hers, dragging her into the closest on call room and shutting the door, when the strangest feeling of déjà vu washed over him. 

He had been through this before. 

A fade memory passed his mind, distant as if from a lifetime ago. It was back when she had just returned from Moline after being fired when she had failed her boards. He had been changing his shirt when he’d first seen her, and she had been staring at his topless front like he had grown another arm. Then, after she had enlightened him on the whole ‘revirginizing’ thing, he had –unintentionally, of course- spilled a cup of coffee all over her, and then pretended it had never happened, just like her ‘revirginizing’ suggested they never had been intimate. He held back a snort thinking of how that day had ended, them deciding to stay away from each other to prevent another ‘mistake’ until they were ready to commit, and then having mind-blowing sex in an on-call room.

Wait a minute…

He froze his next step and felt her bump onto his back as a result of his sudden stillness.

“Ouch!” she complained and he bit his tongue. How did his thoughts always manage to take the exact paths he didn’t want them to?   
“I’m sorry.” He told her and turned to face her, only to take a sharp breath and look away again. 

Was this some kind of cruel joke? Cause if so then the universe had a really twisted sense of humor. 

He cleared his throat and began scanning the room for some dry scrubs, struggling to keep his eyes away from the view of her bra, a result of her very wet, almost transparent top. Once he spotted a closet at the corner of the room he headed towards it and opened one drawer, relief washing over him at the sight of an all-clean pair of scrubs. He grabbed it and went to her again, careful to only lock his gaze with hers as he handed her the folded clothes.

“I’m gonna go let you change.” He quickly chocked out before he could get any ideas.

She eyed the clothes in her hands. “They’re gonna be too huge on me.” She said half-whining, but then she chuckled and he immediately smiled at the sound. 

“What?” he asked amused but she only shook her head as a reply, still chuckling. “What is it?” he asked again, curiosity taking over him.

“Nothing that concerns you. You go, I need to change, I’m freezing!” She said with a giggle and her hand was on his upper arm, pushing him towards to door. He offered no resistance. 

Once he was outside and she all but shut the door at his face, he leaned back against it, resting his head on it. He heard the muffled sounds of her clothes coming off, and the image of the fabric of her scrubs clamping to her bra popped up on his mind without an invitation. 

She was wearing that light blue bra with the white dots, the one she’d been wearing the first few weeks after Samuel’s birth, since it was a number larger, just enough to fit her swollen with milk breasts at the time. Milk that their baby never got to drink. Milk whose only purpose was to make their loss not only emotionally excruciating, but physically painful for her as well, as she would have to take hot shower after sower to relieve the pressure of her uncomfortably full breasts. And that blue bra had been her daily companion back then. The exact same bra which she wore today. But today, today was a completely different story. This swelling of her breasts, this milk… they were a reminder of not the most horrible tragedy a person could ever experience, but the most extraordinary miracle instead. Because this baby… this baby would be okay. This baby would be fine. This baby would be healthy. And it would suck every drop of milk out of its mother’s breasts, so that it would get all grown and strong. And once it grew, it wouldn’t be punched on the playground either. But this time, it would be because it would grow to be an awesome kid, that had two amazing parents who loved him more than words could say.

“Jackson.” Her voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and he suddenly became aware of the huge, goofy grin that had, at some point, spread all over his face. “You’re blogging the door.”

“Oh!” he said and quickly moved away, as she opened the door and stepped in front of him. And she was right; the scrubs were huge on her. She could as well have worn the top as a short dress instead. Well, that was if she were not at work, of course.

She narrowed her eyes at him then, seeming to examine his face closely. “What are you smiling at?” she asked.

He realized the goofy grin was still on his face and cleared his throat. “Nothing that concerns you.” He shot back with a smirk.

“Har, har.” She exclaimed and he let out a slight chuckle. “Oh, by the way, I spoke to Arizona earlier today. Turns out that she and Callie are going to court to take full custody of Sophia.”

“A custody battle?” he asked taken aback and she nodded. “But I thought they were getting along just fine, how did this happen?”

“Haven’t you heard about Penny?”

She could be more specific. “What about her?” he asked puzzled.

She sighed. “She won a scholarship to New York, and Callie wanted to move there with her. And take Sophia too.”

He blinked. Torres was leaving? How come he hadn’t heard of this before? “I knew about the scholarship but… Wait, seriously? Why would Torres leave everything to go live with a woman she met only a mere months ago? Leave her house, her job as the head of Ortho… And take Sophia away from Arizona, is she for real?”

“I know, it’s insane. And she didn’t even ask Arizona, she just presented her with her decision and hoped she’d agree.”

He frowned. Taking her child away from her home, her friends, even her own mother? This certainly didn’t sound like Torres. Sure, she was known for making impulsive decisions in the past. She had, after all, run off to Vegas to marry a man after thinking about it for, like, a day.

But then again, you had given it less than eighteen hours, so…

Shut up.

“Anyways, at the ultrasound yesterday Arizona wanted to ask us to take the stand for her for her custody.” She said and then snorted, no trace of amusement in her tone. “But it appears that her lawyer –who just happens to be my lawyer too- decided that it was too risky to call a witness she had just fired as a patient, so…” she shook her head. “So I’m not going.” Her voice came out almost casual, but when he stared into her eyes he could clearly read the deep emotions in them. 

She couldn’t just stay and watch. Because April was a fighter. A soldier, as she always liked to call herself. And she needed to help her friend. She needed to be there next to her, and fight with her, and help her win her daughter back.

“What if I went instead?” he offered with a half-smile and she just gaped at him. “No, seriously, you can just tell me what you would say and I will take the stand for her, you know, be your voice.”

“Jackson, I can’t let you do that. Callie is your friend, I don’t want you to stand against her for me, it’s not right.”

He shook his head. “Hey, I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t-”

“Jackson…” she murmured, cutting him off, and closed her eyes. And then, her tiny hand rose slowly and he held his breath as he watched it move forward until her soft palm finally came to rest on his chest, right above his hand. He felt his pulse increase against it, and he was sure she could feel it too, but at that precise moment he couldn’t possibly bring himself to care. His mind was suddenly so full of her there was no room for anything else. All he could see was the way her eyelashes, thick and dark, swept over her closed eyelids, the way they cast shadows, like threads of silk, across her warm cheeks. All he could hear was her rhythmic breathing, her chest rising and falling with the sedative qualities of a lullaby. All he could smell was the sweet, fragrant aroma of her shampoo, mixed with her own, perfect scent that had always reminded him of freshly cut timber and, of course, apples. All he could feel was her delicate fingers tracing small circles across his shirt, caressing him gently. And then, all too soon, her hand fell back on her side, leaving the spot where it had been resting too cold, too bare out of the sudden.

He sighed, releasing the breath he had been holding. When she opened her eyes again to gaze into his, he noticed the increased dampness inside them. And then she gave him a smile that just seemed so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of shyness that unexpected warmth rushed through him. “Thank you.” she said, her voice burning with gratitude. “Really, thank you. It means a lot to me that you… Your offer, I… thank you.” she struggled, seeming unable to phrase her thoughts. “But, seriously, Jackson. It’s… I can’t. Thank you, but I can’t.” she said, her eyes full of gratefulness before they left his to meet the floor. “I actually had something else in mind.” She exclaimed, and he could read the sudden nervousness in her characteristics.

“What?” he asked, suddenly tense because of the sudden swift of her mood. 

“What time does your sift end next Thursday?” she asked, and he felt his pulse grow a bit faster in response. He ignored it.

“Uh, about eight. Why?”

She bit her lip. “I was wondering if, since the trail is that day and everybody but us will be at the court, you’d, maybe, like to go to Joe’s. Me and you.” She said speaking slowly, leaving just enough time for her words to actually sink in. 

Go to Joe’s.

Me and you.

Did she just ask him out on a date?

His breath hitched at his throat and he had to put a great amount of effort into trying not to choke. He began blinking rapidly, his eyes widening abundantly. 

“We need to make some arrangements for the baby’s future once it’s born.” She continued, seeming to not have noticed his little freak out session. “You know, who will have him when, which holidays etc.” she added.

…

Oh.

“Uh, sure. Yeah.” He managed to choke out, hopefully not looking quite like the fool he felt. “Sounds good.”

“Great. Oh, and Jackson?” his name came as a pleading, her eyes suddenly begging. “No fighting, alright?”

He gulped. “No fighting.” He repeated and she gave him a small smile before mumbling a “See you later” and turning to walk away.   
No, they were not going to fight. He could do that. They could do that. They had to, for the little Kepner-Avery that was growing inside of her, they had to stop fighting.

“Kepner-Avery.” He tried the name on his lips then, a grin forming on his face. 

No. They wouldn’t fight. Not that night, not ever again.

With a temper like yours, that’s highly unlikely.

Shut up.


	4. Stupid Hormones

"Here we go." She said before letting out a long sigh and grabbing her phone in her hand.

She could do this.

It wasn't like she had a choice anyways. She had to do this. She had postponed it for months and months, with no other reason but her cowardice. And no, April Kepner was usually anything but a coward. She had stood in front of shooters pointing guns at her face, she had punched a guy that had insulted her in a bar, she had run towards burning buses to save her best friend, she had held her newborn baby when he took his last breath, she had operated on thousands of soldiers while bombs had been exploding all around her. But the thought of telling her parents what she needed to tell them… it frightened her to no end.

"Okay, don't do that, don't think about it just… You can do this, April. It's just a phone call."

It wasn't going to be that hard. She would just spill the words out.

Jackson and I got a divorce.

And now I'm pregnant with his baby.

She bit down on her lower lip. Why, oh, why had she waited this long to tell them? It was a completely different thing to hear that your daughter was about to be divorced than hearing that her marriage ended almost four months ago. A completely different thing to hear that your daughter just found out she's having a baby than hearing she is already six months pregnant.

"Oh God." she cried and let the phone slip from her hands, only to bury her face inside them. Who was she fooling? Even if she'd made this call months ago, their reaction would still be the same.

Best case? They'd freak out. Her mother would begin screaming at her through the phone, her father would start yelling at her mother, blaming her instead. Maybe a medical emergency would also emerge. Her parents had a certain age, after all.

…Worst case? She didn't even want to think about it.

But after the shock would have worn off, they'd probably ask her to fly over there to talk about it in person. Or maybe not, come think of it. They'd probably come visit themselves. After all, who wants the entirety of Moline to learn about their trashy daughter, who left the perfect, glorious man at the alter and run off to marry an atheist, only to get divorced while also carrying his child just a couple of years later?

Oh, how proud must they be of her. Sigh.

Well, since she'd waited this long… one more day couldn't hurt, right?

"No, no, no. No. See, that's what you said yesterday." And the day before that. And the day before that one. Those stupid thoughts had been hunting her since that day. The day her entire world drifted over, as everything she knew, everything she took for granted, it all just… fell apart. The day that the small, white stick turned positive. And the day she sat down in that lawyer's office, signing the one piece of paper she had promised to herself she never would.

To herself… and to him.

She wasn't aware of the sudden wetness in her eyes until a single tear escaped, rolling silently down her cheek. She didn't even bother wiping it away. What was the point in doing so? She knew there were more to come anyways. Lately, all she did was cry. At home, at work, alone or with Arizona. She even cried in front of him, for God's sake! Even though she had tried so hard not to and she had even managed to keep her eyes dry that day. But from one certain point and on, keeping her tears to herself had been merely impossible. It was as if a lively stream was constantly running from her eyes. She cried everywhere. All the time. She cried in such a degree her own tears made her sick.

"Stupid hormones." She mumbled with another sigh.

This pregnancy had been so different from the last one in so many aspects it seemed like a completely different experience to her. While the feeling of a brand new life growing inside of her, the swollen tummy, the popped up belly button and the cold jelly of the ultrasounds were some of the things she had experienced before, there were others she hadn't even realized were missing until she felt them for the first time. The untamed and uncontrolled pregnancy hormones were one of those things. Sure, she had had some crises of jerkiness while being pregnant with Samuel, but those came nowhere close to the absurdly amount of inability to control her emotions she was currently experiencing. It was getting ridiculous.

Apart from the mood swings, though, there was this tiny new feeling this new pregnancy had brought that she had never felt before. The feeling of a very light bubble appearing inside her belly, rising up and popping. It had been barely perceptible, almost impalpable, but enough for the pure terror to surge through her veins, icy daggers straight to the heart. Because how was she supposed to know that this was what a healthy baby felt like? How was she supposed to not think that the even the smallest alteration was an indicator of fetal disease? And how was she supposed to not blame herself for having refused the ultrasound, for needing this baby to be healthy so badly that she had been too afraid to check?

When Arizona had finally done that first ultrasound she couldn't even afford to spare a glance towards the screen. Her mind was starting to fail, like an engine that turns over and over, never kicking into action. She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe, all she could do was close her eyes shut and pray with all her might that her baby would be okay.

And it was.

And she had been so utterly overjoyed that her baby was okay that she even let him feel it too.

He was the father after all, and even after all they'd been through, he was still the same person she used to call her very best friend. The same person that had held her close each time she'd faced difficulties. The person that did so much more than just offer her a shoulder to cry on when she needed one. He'd supported her through the toughest of times, putting her first when he shouldn't have to. And even though he'd reacted pretty badly when he'd found out about the pregnancy, even though there had been some times lately she'd had a hard time seeing it, that same person was still there. He was still himself. And she knew that no matter what happened between them, even if they were now a lost cause, the Jackson Avery she knew would still make an amazing father to her baby. To their baby.

And that was the only reason she hadn't taken the first flight to Ohio after that day.

She'd wanted to go. No, she had needed to go. She'd needed to run away and never return, to never see his face again, the face of the man that ended their marriage in the cruelest of ways, without a single warning.

He divorced her.

He broke every promise he'd ever made to her before God Himself. He tossed them all away, like they meant nothing. Like they were only some stupid words on a piece of paper he could just erase with a single move. With a single signature.

Was that all their marriage ever was to him?

To say that she'd been mad at him would be the understatement of the century. She'd been so furious she'd wanted to set him on fire. Okay, maybe not literally, but still. Because he gave up. He'd promised he wouldn't, he'd promised he'd be next to her for better or worse, but there he was, demanding divorce because she went away to heal after their son died in her arms.

But she would have died if she'd stayed, and he never seemed to understand that. The April Kepner he was supposed to love would have never returned. She'd never have been the same person again, his favorite person. And maybe, after a while, she would be no person at all. Maybe she'd finally give in to the temptation and go to meet her son in heaven. Was that what he wanted? Did he want her to end up like that? Was he willing to sacrifice her just because he needed to prove to himself that he could fix her?

"Stop." She whispered to herself, before her thoughts wandered any further. She knew that was not the deal. It wasn't his ego that got hurt when she went away.

She knew that. He'd told her.

"The thing that I needed was you!" his voice echoed in her ears, distant as if from a lifetime ago, yet so vivid.

The thing that he'd needed to heal was her, and she hadn't been there. And she really felt horrible about that. She was truly sorry for having to hurting him, and she'd told him. The day he'd almost kicked her out of their apartment just because she'd been making dinner instead of packing, just because she'd been fighting for their marriage instead of just giving up like he eventually did. She had apologized then for not being there for him, not that it seemed to have mattered. He wanted something else.

He'd told her it was her who he wanted but that was apparently another lie. Another thing he'd said that he didn't really mean. Because how could that be the case when after just four weeks of sitting on a couch and discussing their marriage she is served with divorce papers in the middle of the ER, without a single warning?

The thing he wanted wasn't her. He didn't want her. He didn't want to stay with her.

The thing he wanted was the divorce. And she gave it to him. What else would she do? Trap him in a marriage he clearly wanted out of because of the baby? Use their own baby as a life jacket for their doomed marriage? No. Their baby deserved better than that. He deserved better than that. And she was better than that.

But instead of understanding the sacrifice she made while signing those papers, by going against everything she was taught, everything she believed in to give him what he wanted, he was actually mad at her again. For not telling him about the baby before granting him his divorce, even though she'd asked him at the time if that was what he really wanted and the look on his face left no room for any doubt she might have had.

No matter what she did, it was obviously never enough. There was always a reason for him to be mad. There was always something she did wrong; from being relieved that they could just keep dating without also raising a child when the first pregnancy scare had happened, to telling him he was the one he wanted months before she was to get married –not at the altar, to needing some time and space to recover from their son's passing. To him, she was always the one at fault.

But she didn't just give up. She did not give up on them. That was all him.

She took a deep breath. "Why, oh, why are you thinking about all these again?"

Those didn't matter now, anyways. All that mattered was the baby.

Which is why she had made the decision to leave all that aside. She would just forget all about them and focus on the little bundle of joy that was growing inside of her. And what he or she needed was for their parents to get along. Them not being able to survive as a couple didn't mean they couldn't co-parent peacefully. They had been friends before, after all. They were friends long before they began seeing each other romantically. For years it had been the four of them -her, him, Charles and Reed. And then, after the shooting, the two of them became best friends. And they stayed that way up until that night, almost four years ago, in San Francisco, inside her hotel room with the number 632.

Okay yeah, she still remembered the stupid number. So what? She lost her virginity there; it was a pretty huge deal you know.

"Alright, that's enough. Phone call. Now."

She grabbed her phone again, which she had dropped on the bed right next to where she was sitting cross-legged, and quickly dilated the number before she had time to actually think of what he was about to do. Her trembling hands didn't do her any justice, though, and she soon decided to put the call on speaker mode.

The dialing tone came once. She cleared her throat.

Twice. She bit her lip.

Three times. She shut her eyes.

Four times. She held her breath.

"Karen Kepner speaking." Her mother's prickly voice echoed in her ears and she felt her heart skip a beat.

"Hi mom!" she squealed, dragging each word way more than she normally would have. Her mother didn't seem to notice.

"April? Oh my God! We haven't heard from you since forever!"

Leave it to her mom to slide a complaint in her very first sentence. "I'm sorry, I know, I never really had much time to-"

"Oh, you doctors. Always busy, busy, busy!" she cut her off.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah well, you know mom, running the ER is more-"

"So how are things with you and Jackson?"

Well, that was fast. She was expecting she'd at least have a minute or two of small talk to organize her thoughts. She blinked. "Uh… great." No! No they're not! "We're… we're both great."

"Good, good. Um, shouldn't you be asleep? It's nine a.m. here, it should be the middle of the night where you are."

"Yeah, uh… Well, the reason I'm up this early is because I wanted to catch you awake cause-"

"Oh, why? Did something happen?"

She took a deep breath, frustrated. I'd tell you if you'd let me! "A lot. A lot happened."

"What is it sweetie?"

"Okay, mom, I am going to tell you something but I need you to not freak out, okay?"

"April Kepner, you're making me worry. What happened?"

Okay, April. Now's the time. Say it.

She opened her mouth but nothing came out.

Come on! Just say the stupid words!

"I… I also need you to sit down –just in case." She squeaked then buying all the extra time she could, her voice so high it was almost unrecognizable to her own ears.

There was a long pause after that, as her mother was obviously finding herself a seat, during which she did the first thing she could think of doing to compose herself. She shut her eyes with such force they almost hurt, tangled her fingers and squeezed her palms together, bringing them to her face.

And with the softest of whispers, she sent a quiet prayer.

"God give me strength. Come shelter my mind in the storms, where I'm confused flood me with light. Come shelter my heart in the storms, where I'm weak come flood me with strength. Come lift up my spirit in the storms, cause sadness to end and hope to rise. Cover me with Your love, oh Lord. Clean me out and help me start again. Amen."

She sighed and opened her eyes, to gaze through the glass window wall across her bed, the tents of the balcony high enough to give her full view of the morning sky. It was awash with various shades of grey, in places a chink of light managed to break through, but otherwise it was almost as dark as pre-sunset. The air was humid heavy with the dampness of a coming storm.

Having grown up in Moline, the rainy weather had almost been a deal breaker for her when she had first moved to Seattle. Since she had been a little girl, there was nothing she loved more than those hot summer evenings when she would sit cross legged at the edge of the lake close to the farm and let the sun beat down on her skin. She remembered how mesmerized she was when the watery daylight pushed back at the darkened edges of dawn, reclaiming the colors of day that had been washed into grey by the moonlit night. The world came back like a freshly developed photograph, every color bright and new. Bright streaks of red, pink, and orange slowly overcame the dark blue and purple of the twilight sky. The sky resembled a prism; all the colors blended perfectly into each other. The sun itself was just peeking out of the horizon, and its brilliant rays already shined brightly and began to warm the air, glinting off the shimmering water and reflecting like crystals. The rays cascaded over the grass and penetrated even the darkest shadows. She recalled how she marveled at the way the warm sun rays kissed her skin lightly, warming her from the inside out, as a thrilling feeling of awe washed over her.

"Alright, I'm sitting. Tell me what happened." Her mother's voice brought her back to the present, but suddenly every feeling of nervousness had vanished from her body, leaving only calmness and peace behind.

"Jackson and I got a divorce." She said, her voice emerging calmness, and before her mother even had the chance to react she continued "And now I'm pregnant with his baby."

"They took it that bad?" the Peds surgeon asked as she threw a couple of chips into her mouth.

"You have no idea." She moaned and rubbed her temples with her fingers. "It took me almost an hour to convince them not to take the first flight to Seattle. And even now I wouldn't be surprised if they suddenly appeared from the corner."

Arizona frowned. "Would that be bad?"

"Not bad. Utterly horrible is a better way to describe it."

"I'm not following."

"Well, they are not just mad at me. They are also mad at him. My dad literally threatened to shoot him with his shotgun."

Arizona winced.

"And as if that's not a good enough reason to keep them away… My mom wants us to get back together."

The Peds surgeon blinked. "And that's a bad thing because…?"

"Hey." She cut her off, her tone strict.

"Sorry. No talking about that."

"Thank you."

"But you're right, come think of it. Avery always does the opposite of what he's told so if your parents-"

"Arizona!"

"Sorry." She said with a smirk.

"No seriously, stop it, okay? This new… intimacy… it's called co-parenting. There's nothing more to it. We are divorced. How many times do I have to say it?"

She put on an innocent expression. "I didn't say anything. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right. As if you never thought about it."

"What, you read minds now?"

She shrugged. "Pregnant superpowers. The evolution of the virgin superpowers."

"Uh… the what?"

"Nothing, forget about it." She said while shaking her head and a sad smile formed on her lips. It was times like this that she actually missed Christina.

"Forget about what?" a voice came from her left and she turned around to greet Nathan with a smile.

"Oh, it's nothing, really." Arizona replied. "April was just reading my thoughts on her and Avery." She quickly added, earning a questioning look from her. Since when did Arizona actually talk to Nathan? And especially about her?

Nathan raised his eyebrows. "What about her and Avery?"

"There is no 'me and Avery'." She stated, trying to keep her tone under control.

Her best friend ignored her. "This new stance she's been holding against him since what happened the other night. I don't think it's gonna last."

She huffed. "Excuse me?"

The man ignored her as well. "Wait. What happened the other night?"

Arizona's expression lit up. "She didn't tell you?"

"Apparently not."

"They had dinner at her place." The woman said with a mischievous smile.

She groaned. What on earth was happening? "For the love of…"

Nathan gaped at the Peds surgeon with disbelief. "They did?"

"Yep!"

"And what happened?" he asked the blonde.

"I'm right here, you know." April complained but didn't earn a single glance from either of them.

"They had a fight. Lots of hurtful words from both their parts. And then he left. And she cried all night."

She buried her face in her palms. "Oh my God!"

The Cardio surgeon grimaced. "Ouch."

"Yeah, ouch doesn't even begin to cover it. Especially since she kept me awake all night as well. And I have a really important trail next week, so that should say a lot about my qualities as a friend." She added and finally turned at April to give her a meaningful look. The later rolled her eyes.

"It sure does." Nathan nodded in approval.

Arizona turned to look at him again. "Anyways, then she came up with this new strategy of hers that she is going to just act like the past four years they've been together never happened and they're only best friend's raising a baby and all, but I'm telling you, it won't last. Especially after bumping on him half-naked and-"

"Ooookay!" April all but squeaked and held her palms in the air, facing Nathan. "Excuse us for a second, would you?" she spitted out before grabbing her friend's arm and dragging her out of Nathan's earshot, before giving her a deadly glare.

"What?" Arizona asked innocently, driving her even madder.

"Why, oh, why did you decide to tell him everything out of the sudden? Last time I checked you were on 'team Owen', and you weren't even talking to him not along-"

"Look, I will be too occupied the upcoming week to deal with all this drama of yours. And you need a friend right now. So, I am handling your case to Dr. Riggs right there." She exclaimed and gestured towards him.

"There is no case! And since when do you two get along anyways?" she demanded.

"Oh, we just had a small talk the other day. No big deal."

She huffed. "I'm guessing that small talk had nothing to do with me, right?"

Arizona rolled her eyebrows. "Not everything has to do with you, you know."

"Right." Oh, it was definitely about her. But she decided she didn't want to know. "Okay, I am needed to the ER anyways so I'd better get going."

The blonde smirked and begun walking away. "Okay. Good luck!"

Good luck? With what?

She turned and headed towards the elevator, and it wasn't until she was pushing the button leading to the emergency room floor that she realized that someone had been following her.

"So… who was the one that was half-naked?"

She groaned. "I knew you wouldn't let this go."

"Or was it both of you?" Nathan suggested while wiggling his eyebrows.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" she asked, not bothering to hide the hope from her voice.

"Nope. I have a very light schedule today, so Dr. Pierce suggested I came down here to help you out with the ER. I'm all yours today."

Her eyes widened in horror. "Sweet Jesus…"

He chuckled. "Come on, Keps. Don't leave me in the dark here. Spill."

She sighed. Knowing Nathan, there was no way her was going to let this go. "Fine. I bumped into him while he was putting on his scrubs. There is nothing juicy here."

Nathan looked amused. "And what did you do?"

Huh.

She'd gawked.

And frankly, she couldn't even blame herself for it. She'd seen his shirtless torso millions of times but it never ceased to amaze her. And with passage of time it only became even more irresistible. It was getting ridiculous. His body was drool-worthy. He had a chiseled chest and the skin on it was glowing healthily. His abdominals were sculptured to perfection as his six-packs popped, instantly giving off the impression that he came out of a Calvin Klein shoot. And his arms… his arms were a completely different story. His biceps were the size of her head yet lean and his triceps looked like truly rare diamonds. And completing his masterpiece of a bodice, his shoulders, round and protruding, gave his look a whole new flavor.

"Uh… Keps? Are you still with me?"

She blinked. "What?"

He grinned. "I lost you there for a second."

"Oh." She rubbed the back of her skull. Awesome. Now she got horny too?

Stupid hormones.

"Uh… What were we talking about?"

He gave her another smirk. "Why don't you tell me what you were thinking about instead?"

"Stop it!" she said with a small giggle and playfully punched his arm.

"Okay, okay. How about you tell me why that fight of yours got you so upset. It looks like I've missed something here. Don't you two fight all the time?"

She sighed. "We don't fight all the time. We used to fight all the time before the…" the word was caught in her throat, and she almost cursed herself. After all those months and she still couldn't say the stupid word without stammering. She gulped. "…the divorce. And then he was all civil and polite and awful… up until he found out about the pregnancy. You know what happened then."

The Cardio surgeon nodded. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone got a glimpse of that one." He noted, and she winced in response. "Not that he wasn't justified for being pissed, you had that one coming for not telling him-"

Oh, great. Last thing she needed was to be reminded about everything she'd done wrong. Again. She groaned. "Nathan-"

"But I'm saying, I get it now, okay?"

Uh… what now?

"I mean, if I were pregnant-"

She snorted. "What?"

He glared at her. "Shut up, I'm making a point here."

She bit her lip, in an attempt to control the fits of giggles emerging from her throat at the thought of her fellow surgeon rubbing his oversized, very pregnant belly.

"If I were in your shoes, anyway, I'd sure be somewhat reluctant to tell him about my baby with him going on dates not even a week after we signed the papers."

Her giggles suddenly turned into coughs and she was soon struggling to take a normal breath.

Nathan rushed to her side, lightly patting her back. "Whoa, are you alright?"

She nodded. "I'm fine." She managed to choke out between coughs.

But she wasn't.

How could she be? How could she be fine when he… he… An undefined sound escaped her throat, something between a gasp and sob, as his words grabbed her by the tongue and dried her mouth.

Realization washed all over Nathan's face. "Oh, God… you didn't know."

Ha.

No.

No, she didn't know.

How could she possibly have been so understanding, so forgiving, have been so open to the idea of them being friends again, have had dinner with him at her stupid apartment, have asked him out to Joes, if she had known that while she had been struggling to stand on her feet again after her world had fallen apart, while doing her best to cope with the fact that she was also carrying his child, he was sleeping around?

She barely acknowledged Nathan stopping the elevator and putting his arm around her rubbing her shoulder, as her insides suddenly felt curdled like milk with lemon.

How could he?

She'd been done! She'd been ready to let him go, the minute she'd caught a glimpse of his face after that amazing sex they'd had for the first time since she'd returned from Jordan. That was supposed to be the way for them to go out. In bed, in love, just like how they'd begun. And she had come to terms with that. She was going to let him go!

But then he lied to her. He made her believe he cared. He made her believe there was still hope for them. He told her he wanted her, he wanted to try to save them, and he filled her heart with so much joy it was almost impossible to bear.

And not only did he give up immediately after that, not only did he throw divorce papers at her face without a single warning, but he also went on dates before the divorce was even finalized?

Her lipped curled and her nostrils flared. Her mind felt as if lead were coursing though it instead of blood.

Betrayal.

So she meant nothing to him right? Just some toy he could tell fairytales to and toss around when he got bored of it. That was all she ever was to him, huh?

That day he'd said he had feelings for her, that day he'd stood up at her wedding, telling her he loved her, that day he'd slid her ring on her finger saying his vows… Her once sunny memories of him now felt as if they were tarred, disfigured into something grotesque. And she violently pushed him away from her thoughts, because if she'd picture his green, slimy eyes a moment longer she thought she might vomit.

He disgusted her.

…Or it could be the burrito she'd had that morning.

Stupid hormones.


End file.
